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  1. I've said this before, and I don't apologise for repeating myself – choosing to be happy doesn't mean always feeling happy. Life will still throw stuff at you that makes you tired, sad, guilty, excited, distraught, overwhelmed, giddy, forlorn, lost, apathetic (you get the idea) but by choosing to 'be happy' you retain a core of being grateful and an approach to life that remains positive. (This blog post explains this is much greater depth!)

    But not everyone is ready to choose happiness, and here are 3 very good reasons why you really don't want to be happy:..



    Keeping a positive mindset and being happy isn't a case of taking a magic pill and never having to worry about anything ever again. Your life will still have as many challenges and tough times as it always has and it takes strength and determination to get through them in a positive way. Choosing to be happy and stay happy takes daily mindset work – constant positive self-talk and practices of being grateful and not taking things for granted. They'll be days when you've had enough and you need a wallow – but then it takes more mind work to kick yourself back into a more positive place.

    Choosing to be happy is like enrolling on a long term course in mindset training – it's a commitment to small steps, taken every day to keep your outlook positive and your mindset a happy one. Like I said, it's hard work!

    happiness mindset quote



    Think of all the posts you see on social media that get lots of attention, or the stories that make the newspapers and magazines. They're the ones that feature heartbreak, drama, sadness and upset. No-one reports a nice calm day, a mundane Tuesday with no drama or makes headlines with a happy marriage. People court attention with dramatic emotion – and we seem primed to react to it. So to be happy, means you will become, well a bit invisible really. No-one else will really notice.

    You have to live a life that is for yourself and your own satisfaction – not one that is lived out for the entertainment or judgement of others. There is no doing or saying things to cause drama and gain attention – you have to be satisfied and happy with your lot in such a way that you don't need the approval or attention of others to make you feel worthy. You have to step away from the dramatically vague facebook statuses and instead embrace your invisibility cloak of happiness.

    choose wisely quote



    Now this is a big one. Choosing to be happy means taking full responsibility for ALL your emotions and how you use them! It means accepting that you have no power over how anyone else behaves or indeed over a lot of what happens to you but you do have full control over how you behave and how you feel – and that means you can't shift responsibility for your feelings anywhere else.

    You can't blame your childhood for holding you back, or your bitchy friend for making you feel sad. A bad boss, an aggressive driver, the bank manager, your selfish partner or the woman on the till at Aldi – none of them have any responsibility for your happiness (or lack of it). Only you do. I repeat. Only you do. By all means react to any of these people or events in a natural and emotional way – but then you decide to stay in that negative space or move your way back to a happier one.

    And this involves the hefty stuff too. Big trauma, past tragic events, life changing moments. To be happy, you have to call a truce with them. And I don't say that glibly – doing this can be huge and involve help and professional support if needed (I did say in number 1 that being happy is hard work!) but blaming other people and life events for how we feel is again handing responsibility for our emotions to someone or something else – but we need to grab hold of all our emotions ourselves. Only when we own them, completely and utterly, can we take control of them and make choices over how we use them. And this won't happen overnight – in fact, it could take years – but it starts in an instant with the choice to take responsibility and the decision to choose happiness.

     voltaire quote

    So as you can see there are some very good reasons why you really don't want to be happy. It's hard, it takes effort to get there and stay there and you have to actually take responsibility for yourself to do it (which is by far the hardest part). But you know what, if you do chose to be happy, and take the necessary steps to get there, my word, it'll change your life.


  2. One of the most important factors in building - and keeping - a positive mindset is the influences that help mould it. To make sure we keep a healthy mind we need to make sure it is fed on a carefully controlled diet. In fact, a huge part of the entire journey towards becoming a happier and more confident person is keeping a very close eye on what we 'feed' ourselves every single day.

    And I am not talking about food.

    Every person we spend time with, the things we browse on social media, the things we read and the programmes we watch all form a continuous stream of nutrition for our mental appetite which, whether we are aware of it or not, helps form our opinions and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.

    The voice in our head is the product of all our influences, often moulded more by the negative things we have seen and heard and often quick to remind us of our limitations and fill us with self-doubt. Our beliefs about our own abilities and strengths are often formed by things we have heard from others, rather than the absolute proof of what we see we can achieve and our version of the world is shaped by news bulletins, Facebook posts and newspaper headlines.

    The more we become aware of how our influences feed our mental map of everything, the more we can adjust the balance of it. The more positive the flow, the more positive the product. What we think, we become – so if we are fed with a constant stream of messages about what we can't do and how we are failing at life, we will continue on a downward path as this belief becomes truth. If we are surrounded by people who build us up, celebrate our victories (however tiny) and remind us that we can do great things, well, we really can do great things.

    So, from this moment, watch your diet. Feed yourself with things that build you up, grow your confidence and remind you of all the things to be grateful for and limit your access to negative influences as much as you can. And here are 5 ways you can start doing it right now:

    1) Pick your friends wisely!
    Just because we grow up, doesn't mean we suddenly have lots of confidence in who we are and what we do – in fact, the opposite is often true! And just as children often need reassurance, thrive with praise and sometimes need a little encouragement to take a big leap into something new – so do we! We need to be surrounded by people who are on our side, who can support us when we need it and remind us of all the wonderful things we can do when we lose faith in ourselves.


    Life is far too short to spend time with people who want to belittle us or bring us down. 'Friends' like this, who compete and behave with jealousy, can be really damaging to our own happiness. So, walk away from them and invest your energy in friends who are loyal, honest and on your side.

    The people we spend most of our time with have a huge impact on our own inner voice and our own opinion of ourselves, possibly more than anything else, so make sure it's a positive one!

    2) Remind yourself that social media isn't real life!
    A quick look through your many social media feeds will no doubt fill you with glamourous pictures of friends (and famous people and people you vaguely know!) working out at the gym, enjoying an exotic holiday, demonstrating some impressive parenting feat or polishing their new car in the drive of their new house. It can become a barage of things you haven't got or haven't done.

    I believe that we all spend far too much time on social media for our own good, and although I think there are a lot of positive things about it, I do think limiting our time on it in favour of more 'real life' influences is a massive step towards more positive mental health. We miss so many moments of 'ordinary joy' because we are looking at the world as presented on a phone screen – and it is these small moments that we keep missing that can remind us that the life we are in, at this very moment, has so much to be grateful for and shows us so many things we should be proud of. Yeah, we might want a bigger house, a nicer car, an exotic holiday somewhere – but rather than reminding ourselves constantly what we haven't got, let's spend a bit of time appreciating what we have got.

    So, enjoy social media and all the good stuff it brings whilst always reminding yourself that real life happens right in front of us, not on a timeline, or in an app, and that if we stop competing and comparing we often become instantly more happy and satisfied with our lot.


    3) Skip, block or turn off!
    Now this step is an important one – especially for my fellow overthinkers! Overthinkers are often very empathetic and can often tie themselves in knots working through how a given scenerio is going to make everyone else feel and then exhausting themselves trying to make it better for everyone! Empathy is wonderful gift to have, but it can be overwhelming when faced with a seemingly never-ending stream of sad, worrying or tragic stories and events.

    The amount of information we are bombarded with on a daily basis, an hourly basis even, is just huge – too huge. Between news reports, front page headlines and posts popping up on every form of social media we see war, abuse, child cruelty, animal cruelty, illness, trauma, homelessness, suicide, missing people and countless other negative stories every hour of every day. And each time we see one, we will feel the pain, feel the guilt or feel the responsibility to solve it.

    We really can end up with the weight of the world on our shoulders.

    So edit that stream. I hate seeing nasty pictures on Facebook, especially if they involve animals or children, so I scroll on by. I don't look, I don't read. I haven't read a newspaper for a very long time and I rarely watch the news. I stick to lists on Twitter that focus on friends and people I am particularly interested in rather than being swamped by the full feed.

    And does this mean that I don't care? No, maybe the opposite. Sometimes I care too much and it is too much to cope with. When I see these stories, I feel the panic a mum might feel, I feel the loss that a wife might feel and I feel an almighty sadness when I think what some people are going through. To live like that every hour of every day would be suffocating, and I fear for some, is suffocating.

    So we need to stop carrying the world around with us. We need to care, be kind and do what we can within our own world, our own life and within our own limits. That is where our responsibility lies and where we can have the biggest impact.


    4) Read some good stuff!
    One of the great things about the internet is that we now have at our fingertips an abundance of helpful and inspiring stuff to read. In between the funny cat pictures, amusing memes and the google answer for everything there is a huge resource of inspiring blogs, informative articles and downloadable books – many of them free. You can find new skills, learn about starting a small business or be motivated to feel more confident.

    Use a bit of your social media time to browse some of this more inspiring content instead. Even if it is just for a few minutes a day it can have a massive impact on the positive diet we are trying to create – especially if that blog post replaces ten minutes you would have spent feeling inadequate browsing mansions over on pinterest!

    Building and retaining this positive diet is about finding a stream of influences which all carry a positive message, and introducing a small amount of reading (of the right stuff!) into your daily feed is an incredibly effective way of doing it.

    5) Tell yourself that you're doing ok!
    We are often experts at telling ourselves we have done something wrong, or beating ourselves up for saying something daft or talking ourselves out of doing something because we're not good enough. Well, we need to build up the habit of reminding ourselves that we're doing ok. Every day.

    You got through the day at work without punching anyone – you're doing ok! You fed the kids today – you're doing ok! You got out of bed today – you're doing ok!

    Sometimes, just getting through the day is a massive achievement. Other days we can take on the world. But every day, you must remind yourself – you really are doing ok.


    During June 2019, I am challenging you to 'change your diet' - to take control of every influence which feeds into your mental appetite and to take steps to make it as positive and fulfilling as you can. Join us over in the Beyond The Crumpled Paper Facebook group where, during the month, I will be sharing more exercises, prompts and tips to help you do this...

  3. Life is amazing. Being alive a gift. And one of the many things which make us 'alive' is the full range of emotions we can experience.

    Yet, it seems at the moment, that we're becoming afraid of emotions. That the good ones are ok but the bad ones are to be avoided. But there is no heirarchy of emotions, no emotions that are ultimately good or bad – to be fully alive, and to navigate our way through the rollercoaster ride of life we need to go through them all and fully feel them all. And we can still retain a core of happiness through them all – if we want to.

    buddha happiness quote

    I talk a lot about choosing to be happy – because I do ultimately believe it is a choice – but that doesn't mean you then only feel happiness 24 hours a day, no other emotions allowed. People often question how you can 'choose to be happy', and I have pondered for a long time to try and work out a way to describe it – and I have harked back to my childhood to help me explain...

    Does anyone remember the paddle bat and ball game, where the ball is fixed to the bat on a length of elastic? The idea of the game is to keep batting the ball for as long as you can, as the ball bounces in all directions, returning back to the bat every time – well for this particular post, that simple game is my analogy for the emotional game of life.

    The ball represents your emotions – every direction a different one. And the bat represents your core emotion, the one you return back to. And the best bit is, you get to choose your bat.

    It would be easy to keep the ball on the bat at all times. But there would be no challenge, no risk, no fun. The purpose of the game is for the ball to bounce – just as the purpose of our lives is to move into all these different emotional states. Sometimes we'll be sad, sometimes bored, occasionally really down and possibly often anxious. And these emotions are all a normal and acceptable part of the 'game' – we shouldn't hide from them or try and bury them. We need to feel them and welcome them knowing we will soon return to our bat.

    Anxiety is a normal reaction to a lot of normal, everyday life – if we avoided it we would never try anything new, travel somewhere different or challenge ourselves into new adventures. And feeling sad or down, sometimes not even knowing why, is also a perfectly normal state to be in for a while. To live life is to bounce into all these areas at times – confident that we will come back to our constant and stable bat. We need to no longer fear them, but welcome them as evidence that we are living life – that we are experiencing the full range of emotions that life throws at us, not just the few we want to pick and choose.


    But what we want to make sure of is that the ball returns to a good bat – and this is why you can choose to be happy, you can make your bat a happy one. So even though you welcome and go through all other emotions (fully, deeply and often still with a struggle) you can remind yourself you will get through them and return to a positive core emotion. Even at the really difficult times, your bat can still be in sight, to remind you to stay grateful for the small things and to keep you going when the going gets tough. You know you can bounce back.

    But you can choose the wrong bat – and you may not even be aware of it. Your bat might be one of negative thinking, of taking things for granted or even one of stress and anxiety. You may not realise that your core emotion - the one you return to when things are 'normal' and 'mundane' – is one that could be harming your mental health. The things we feed ourselves everyday – our self talk, things we follow on social media, things we read about – all feed into this core emotion. Our 'bat' is made up of everything that helps shape our mindset – so start being aware of everything you feed your mind with. Changing your 'diet' can help you change your bat!

    Make your paddle bat a happy one!



    * IMPORTANT: Problems arise when the ball doesn't return. It is when we don't return from these emotions and they start to envelop us that mental health strays into mental illness. Or when our bat, our constant normal state becomes one of anxiety or sadness, rather than these emotions being ones we bounce into and out off. If this is you, if your ball doesn't bounce back, or you need to change your bat but you don't know how, then please talk to someone. Talk to a friend, see your GP or seek help from one of the many mental health organisations – it is ok not to be ok. Take the first steps towards swapping your bat today *